Toxic Positivity: What it is, How it Hurts & What to Say Instead

In this podcast (#359) and blog, I talk to therapist and author Whitney Goodman about her new book on toxic positivity, why good intentions are sometimes not good enough, and more! 

As Whitney notes in her new book, toxic positivity tends to shut down conversations and often stops people from truly connecting—especially when it comes to the hard “stuff” we all face as we live our lives. Even if someone is just trying to be nice by saying things like “everything happens for a reason” or “remember, the glass is half full”, the person sharing their pain and struggles can feel silenced by these seemingly innocuous platitudes. It can make the person struggling feel like their distress is making the other person uncomfortable or scared, which often feels like rejection.  

Yes, trying to be positive is not necessarily a bad thing. It can, however, become toxic when we shame ourselves for having normal human emotions by saying things like “I have so much to be grateful for” or “it’s not such a big deal” when we feel sad, angry, or distressed.

Even positive affirmations can become toxic. If we say something to ourselves that we do not truly believe, we can experience a disconnect between where we are in life and what expectations we place on ourselves, which can lead to guilt, shame, and a feeling that there is something intrinsically wrong with us. There is essentially a large gap between what we say and what we believe, and this can have a significant impact our mental wellbeing.  

Instead of trying to plaster over or ignore this gap, we should try to sit with the pain and discomfort and get to the root of why we feel the way we do, or what the person sharing their struggles with us is actually trying to say. We shouldn’t run just away from uncomfortable emotions. We are not designed to be happy all the time. In fact, when we suppress our painful emotions, we weaken ourselves, mentally and physically. 

Yes, we may have the best of intentions when it comes to ourselves and others, but sometimes that is not enough. When it comes to what we say to ourselves and what we say to others, it is far better to think about what impact our behavior will have.  

Indeed, if we are trying to support someone, we should ask them how we can validate what they are going through in a way that works for them, not in a way that feels good for us. As Whitney points out, positivity and good intentions can quickly become toxic if we don’t pay attention to the timing, our audience and the topic.  

Toxic positivity can also show up in different ways on a societal level, including as racial prejudice. Using phrases like “let’s all just love each other” when talking about race can invalidate the pain and traumatic experiences that many people face on a daily basis. When we use positivity in this way, it shuts down open and honest communication. As a result, we run the risk of not making the personal and societal changes that need to be made, which will only make things worse in our society. We should never use positivity to hide the ugly—in our life or in our communities.  

Part of dealing with toxic positivity is learning how to complain better—yes, you read that right! When done excessively, complaining can be unhealthy. But complaining is not just a “bad” thing. When people know what they want to complain about (the facts), what they want to change (the results), and how to/who can make this change happen, complaining can be quite effective in making actual change happen. Indeed, when these complaints are listened to with compassion and understanding, it can be quite therapeutic for the people involved. However, when these three things don’t line up and become a toxic loop, or are just met with random platitudes, then complaining can become unhealthy.  

For more on toxic positivity, listen to my podcast with Whitney (episode #359), and check out her website and amazing new book. If you enjoy listening to my podcast, please consider leaving a 5-star review and subscribing. And keep sharing episodes with friends and family and on social media. (Don’t forget to tag me so I can see your posts!).    

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The Melanie Avalon Biohacking Podcast. Each week, Melanie interviews the world’s top experts on all things health, wellness, and biohacking. If you want to learn more about reducing stress, tackling your sleep, cold exposure, red light therapy, finding the right diet for you, optimizing your environment, deuterium-depleted water, and so much more, you will love Melanie’s show! I listen every week in my sauna, and always learn so much. Melanie’s shows have received millions of downloads, and she’s known for conducting an insane amount of research for each guest, resulting in mind-blowing interviews! She helps break down complex topics, linking together ideas into practical, life-changing insights, and, according to one iTunes review, “posing outrageously insightful and clever questions.” She asks all the random things you may want to ask the experts yourself, or maybe never thought to ask! Prepare yourself for all the rabbit holes! Learn about all the life-changing science, tips, tricks, and hacks in the biohacking world, with The Melanie Avalon Biohacking Podcast. Visit MelanieAvalon.com for episode lists and transcripts, and search for The Melanie Avalon Biohacking Podcast on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts! You can also join her Facebook groups and follow her on Instagram – just search for Melanie Avalon. 

Podcast Highlights  

1:28, 8:45, 22:30 Whitney’s amazing new book on toxic positivity  

3:55 How toxic positivity can affect our relationships  

4:30 Why good intentions are often not enough  

6:00, 11:40 Why positive affirmations aren’t a “cure-all” 

8:00, 20:00 Why we shouldn’t suppress uncomfortable emotions  

14:30 Why the concept of toxic positivity has gone “viral” 

16:20 How shame can affect our mental health  

17:50 The dark side of self-improvement & self-help 

24:00 How toxic positivity can show up in our communities  

29:30 How to complain better 

33:00 Why we can’t fix other people 

35:20 Toxic positivity & feeling in control 

38:00 Toxic positivity & motivational conferences  

This podcast and blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. We always encourage each person to make the decision that seems best for their situation with the guidance of a medical professional.     

Switch On Your Brain LLC. is providing this podcast as a public service. Reference to any specific viewpoint or entity does not constitute an endorsement or recommendation by our organization. The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. If you have any questions about this disclaimer, please contact info@drleaf.com.